Random thoughts and ponderings

Some days my job just leaves me without words, not due to exhaustion, but it's sheer ability to amaze me.

I used the word surreal alot and figured I should look it up. One definition I found and I like: "characterized by fantastic imagery and incongruous juxtapositions; "a great concourse of phantasmagoric shadows". Umm, that does describe my job fairly well some days and the Dali picture below.

Sometimes all it takes to fix everything is to close the eyes and take a big breath and let it all out.

Why does my dog constantly bark and attempt to chase squirrels that are running along a telephone wire 30 feet up in the air across our backyard? Does he think he is going to fly there? That the squirrel is dumb enough to think he is a friendly dog and is just saying, "Hi!"?

I discovered sunscreen can expire and if you use expired suncsreen, you will tan or burn, depending on how long you are in the sun.

If you get enough freckles will they all form together to give you one big cohesive tan?

I love coffee. I love jelly bellies. However, the two together are not so good.

I love beer and chocolate and again, not together.

Speaking of which, we need beer in the house. All the beer is gone.

Random flower

My daughter LOVES to pick flowes. Adores it. One of her favorite activities. Well, on the drive to day care we noticed this flower, duct taped into a little holder on the corner of a busy street. She wanted to pick it. I told her, it would bring more joy to people if it was left there so everyone else could see it also.

We saw this flower about 3 months ago. It is still there. Is someone putting a fresh flower on a regular basis? Is is a fake flower? Isn't it odd that no one has taken it out yet? I wonder if the person who put it there sits somewhere nearby and gets a kick out of the smiles and comments?

And, just about every day the daughter gets all excited because the flower is still there. "Look, Mom! The flower is still there. No one picked it!"

It is a random flower but it brings smiles to our faces.

Like white uniforms are going to save your ass

Yeah, a smidge of profanity in that title, but nothing compared to what I was saying most of the day. Our facility is being audited by the Joint Commission on Accreditation (JCAHO). They come around and audit hospitals all the time to make sure they are up to snuff. As you can imagine, management does a great job of scaring the crap out of its employees about the audit. They don't really bother to get you more training or help so that you can actually pass the audit, just lots of scare tactics. "Oh, JCAHO is coming!" There were so many last minute communications that they started to conflict with each other. It was nuts. I decided, I would just make sure I knew our facilities policies and try to do my job as best as I could and hope for the best.

Well, our new manager seemed to think it would be great if we all wore the same color scrubs at work and if everyone would by new white shoes. That idea went over like a lead balloon. I think one brown noser on the unit bought new white shoes. However, the manager outwitted us. She bought everyone white scrubs and whoever showed up the day the audit happened, would have to go back and change.

There is no real warning on the audit and there was no warning on this required costume change. We just know that JCAHO is in the area and will probably be auditing us this month with a "surprise" inspection.

Lucky for me, it was yesterday. Announcement come on over the PA system, "We'd like to welcome the Joint Commission Auditors, etc...." The boss then comes out with the white scrubs and announces we all must change.

So many problems with this situation. Only one bathroom to change in and it is a 1 banger, meaning small with 1 toilet. The breakroom was then turned into an impromptu locker room as people franctically tried to change as I tried to eat my breakfast in there. People were wearing lots of interesting underwear which could easily be seen through these cheap, white thin scrubs. And, everyone could see my tattoo on my back ALL day. "Oh, is that a dragon!" That is how thin these scrubs were. "Oh, how cute. All in white? Are caps next?" My favorite comment from a doctor, "You guys are freaking me out. I thought I had walked into a psych ward."

But the thing that irked me the most was that our manager seemed to think that if we all did this it would somehow help us pass muster. It just seemed so staged and fake. No one wears whites anymore unless you are in nursing school. I bet if she had her way we'd be in those white caps also. I am also pretty sure, the auditors won't be distracted by a lot nurses in white scrubs.

Boy, did I curse a LOT that day under my breath. So glad I am off the next 6 days.

Thoughts on Mother's Day

Mother's Day wasn't a Hallmark-moment day for me. I worked the whole day and got home at 8:30pm. It is no big deal, I don't really want a big deal made out of mother's day. I guess, I don't really feel like a mom most days, eventhough I really am.

However, I had a few thoughts about being a mom today as my daughter and I enjoyed a lazy morning and later as I checked some emails.

Before kids, I always heard people saying how much kids change your life. The changes they create can't even begin to be imagined until you have one of your own. You may think you understand that phrase, but you don't, unless you have had a child.

The center of your world shifts. Your attitude shifts. Your worries and concerns change. The way you see yourself changes. Sometimes just watching your child do the simplest of things can just inspire awe in the fact that you are responsible for her being here and that starts a cycle of thought, thinking about how your mom must have felt looking at you and her mom felt about her, etc, etc. You begin to think about moms through the generations and if they didn't do what I am doing now, I wouldn't be here.

You watch your child discover new things, learn new words, apply concepts and it is fascinating to see their little brains grow and soak in everything. The simple truths that start to come out of their mouths, such as this morning when my daughter says, "Mom, you work too many days." Which was true because I had just finished working 4 straight 12 hour shifts and had seen her for all of about 4 hours in as many days. Or when at the coffe shop she comments that a particular woman has long hair and a big tummy, which was true (the woman was quite obese). Thank goodness, she hasn't learned the word "fat" yet and I hope she didn't over hear the 3 year old's observations.

And as I was discussing with another mom, when you have a child you starting seeing that you are making changes in your life to be a better person, striving to be a positive influence for them. I don't make a big deal about bad drivers with her in the car. I try to eat healthier and exercise more. I go to the library more and read to her more. You just want to be more and you want so much more for your child.

"I'm not cute....."

When I became a mom, I thought like many new moms do, that I would want her to have an even better life than me and hopefully be a better person for it. One thing I struggle with is her having strong self-confidence and self-esteem. Things I am lacking in.

Last year when Grandma was visiting she was teaching my daughter to accept compliments. Grandma would say, "You're such a pretty girl" and she wouldn't know what to say to that. Grandma said, "You say 'Thank you.' "

Yesterday I was admiring the fashion-plate that is my daughter. We got back from a long day at the beach and she decided she wanted to change clothes; Pale pink jeans, darker peachy pink long sleeve sparkly butterfly shirt with a mint green short sleeve shirt over that (It had pink and sparkly cupcakes on it so she had to have it on also, the more sparkle the better.), a pink baseball cap with more butterflies and flip-flops. I guess I should have taken a picture.

So, I say to her, "You are cute." She looks kind of shy and doesn't say anything. I said, "Didn't Grandma say you were supposed to say 'Thank you' when someone says that?"

She gets this sassy look on her face like she is going to gave me the two-snaps and a neck swivel and says, "I'm not cute. I am beautiful!"

So, what can you say to that? Self-esteem issues? I think not.

Just wanted to share some pictures

A couple weeks back we had a free Saturday as a family which is rare these days with my working every other weekend. So, the hubby and I said we needed some San Francisco time. We drove up first thing to the Pier 39 and wanderered around, looked at seals, bought some jewelry (for moi!) and had our traditional clam chowder in the sourdough bread bowl. It isn't the best chowder in the world, but for us it is about the bowl, the location and memories shared on Pier 39.

Afterwards, I took a few wrong turns following the Scenic Drive signs out of the city and ended up at China Beach. In all my years in the Bay Area, I had never been here. It was like our own personal beach. Of course the daughter had to play in the water. The pictures show it was overcast, but surprisingly, it wasn't that cold. It was a smidge muggy. Just ignore the hubby in the hat. That man is ALWAYS cold! The daughter on the other hand was down to her shirt and panties playing in the water before long.

So, enjoy the pictures. I enjoyed being there and taking them.

Thoughts on Fear

Fear can be a great motivator. It can drive you to do amazing things to survive dangerous situations or drive you to overcome obstacles in life. I also see how it can hold you back. The fear of the unknown, fear of failure and sometimes even fear of success can hold you back. It is a topic I brood upon often.

Years ago I saw the 1991 movie "Defending Your Life" on t.v. The premise is that when you die, you must defend your life to a panel of judges and prove that you lived life with courage and overcame your fears in life. If you couldn't prove this, you were sent back and reincarnated to try it all over again. It is an interesting premise and one I have thought about often since seeing the movie.

I can remember as a kid being told by my stepdad to try new things, even if the fear of it had me shaking in my boots and crying, "I don't want to!!" Over the years, I don't think most of my friends would call me fearful or timid. I try lots of new things and have taken a few calculated risks and some not so calculated. I have conquered a lot of fears, but I think there a few more to overcome. I still see a cloud of fear hanging over parts of my life.

For example, people say that we all have some inner dream we want to have fullfilled. Some will say they are living their dreams. Others will tell you what they dream about and others, like me, tend to not really say their true dreams. Why aren't people pursing their dream? Fear of failure? Fear of the risks involved? Fear of rejection from friends and family? Fear of change? I say these same fears keep people like me kind of quiet about our real dreams too.

But, how about this? If those fears are holding me back from my dream, is it really my dream? If it was really my dream, wouldn't I do what I could to achieve it?

See, I think sometimes I think too much.