Thoughts on Fear

Fear can be a great motivator. It can drive you to do amazing things to survive dangerous situations or drive you to overcome obstacles in life. I also see how it can hold you back. The fear of the unknown, fear of failure and sometimes even fear of success can hold you back. It is a topic I brood upon often.

Years ago I saw the 1991 movie "Defending Your Life" on t.v. The premise is that when you die, you must defend your life to a panel of judges and prove that you lived life with courage and overcame your fears in life. If you couldn't prove this, you were sent back and reincarnated to try it all over again. It is an interesting premise and one I have thought about often since seeing the movie.

I can remember as a kid being told by my stepdad to try new things, even if the fear of it had me shaking in my boots and crying, "I don't want to!!" Over the years, I don't think most of my friends would call me fearful or timid. I try lots of new things and have taken a few calculated risks and some not so calculated. I have conquered a lot of fears, but I think there a few more to overcome. I still see a cloud of fear hanging over parts of my life.

For example, people say that we all have some inner dream we want to have fullfilled. Some will say they are living their dreams. Others will tell you what they dream about and others, like me, tend to not really say their true dreams. Why aren't people pursing their dream? Fear of failure? Fear of the risks involved? Fear of rejection from friends and family? Fear of change? I say these same fears keep people like me kind of quiet about our real dreams too.

But, how about this? If those fears are holding me back from my dream, is it really my dream? If it was really my dream, wouldn't I do what I could to achieve it?

See, I think sometimes I think too much.

Ah, for the love of books. Swoon....

As you may remember, I rediscovered one of my early loves in life, reading. As a youngster I loved art and reading so much I wasn't sure I would be an artist or an author. Funny how life turns out, but I am now neither.

However, the darkness had settled in my head over the past few days. It was bad. I remembered how much going to the gym cheered me up, so after a day of sloth and depression. I went to the gym and felt better. But what really helped me turn the corner was picking up a novel the night before. It was a novel I had picked up at the library about two weeks prior by an author a friend recommended. It was the only book I could find by her at the time in the library. It was "Stroke of Midnight" by Laurell K. Hamilton.

The book took off slowly for me because I was expecting it to be about vampires. She has written a whole series about Anita Blake Vampire Hunter. When I picked up the book at the library I was kind of distracted by my daughter so I just grabbed it thought it might make for some fun reading later. It turned out to be about faeries living in the modern world. What a crazy concept but I was suckered in and finished the book wicked fast. I was so lost in the story and the descriptions of the faerie folk. Now I am obssessed with finding the rest of the books in this series. Forget the vampire hunter stuff for now. I want more faeries!

"The ICU is like Las Vegas"

Yep, I heard that quote in a class I took last summer as part of my new hire training for the ICU. That quote is so true and I have used it with my patients and my patients' families. The quote applies really well, especially since the ad compaign came out about Las Vegas..."What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." I think about that quote quite often.

Why is the ICU like Las Vegas? There are lots of bright flashing lights. The action never stops, even at night. Actually, the action seems to increase at night. Like a Vegas a casino, the ICU is so disorienting and confusing (as a patient and visitor), you can't quite remember how to find the exit door. And lastly, what happens in the ICU stays in the ICU and many times as patient you will come away and not be able to remember your stay at all. However, unlike Vegas, your odds are better in the ICU. You have an approximate 75% chance of living. In Vegas, the odds of winning anything are MUCH lower. I could go on and list even more ways they are similiar, but I think most would agree they would enjoy their stay in Vegas more than a stay in the ICU. I know I'd prefer to be outside and living life almost anywhere versus being sick enough to be in ICU bed.

However, this little story has helped a few patients and their families when they are being confronted with such a severe illness, especially if this is their first hospitalization. Recently I used part of this analogy for a patient to explain how it works in the ICU and not be embarassed by anything in here and not to worry about putting us nurses out for doing things for him. I told him, staying here is like that ad from Vegas, "What happens in the ICU stays in the ICU." It helped him smile and get over the uncomfortable feelings of being sick and needing help to do the basics in life.

That quote sometimes help me smile about the craziness I see in my job. Sometimes, it is a very good thing that the things that happen in the ICU stay there. That being said, I think I am ready for a trip to Vegas. Those indoor gardens at the Bellagio were beautiful.

To Gym or Not to Gym

I recenly joined a gym because the husband was finally interested and we are a dual income family again. Also, my new job has a discount plan with a local gym and the daughter loved the kid zone in there.

So the other day I was soooooooooooo tired that I figured I would just lay down somewhere warm all day and do nothing. Of course, I know if I do that I will feel guilt for days afterwards over the wasted time and ALL the things I SHOULD have done and NEED to be done. It really is a vicious mental cycle I put myself through. I realized the mental guilt fest was starting and found whatever energy I could muster to go to that gym.

I found one last eliptical trainer not being used. I got on and in a half tired daze just starting moving. 10 minutes and I am still doing this so I start increasing the intensity. 20 minutes and I am starting to be amazed at myself for evening getting passed 10 minutes. 30 minutes and I thought I need to save some energy for the weight training.

So, I start working the muscles and realize how awesome it is to feel the strain of your muscles to lift heavy objects. In some strange way it is a release for me. I feel my strength. I am aware of how healthy I feel. I complete weight training and on to cool down.

I stretch out like a cat and enjoy the feeling of my muscles being pulled to new limits. A slow warm pain, but a good pain. When I release a stretch, my body says "Ah, that was perfect. Maybe one more?"

Then I head for the locker room to prepare for the reward that this whole workout has led to. . . a in the hot tub and some time in the dry sauna. Ahhhh, wonderful heat, forcing out the sweat and bad feelings in the body and my head. I love the sensation in the dry sauna of the water from the hot tub evaporating at the same time you are sweating.

Afterwards, I my face is red, hair is wet but I am happy. To gym today was a great thing.

Cool stuff in Blogland

I was reading one of the nursing magazines that now show up at my door now. I only pay for one from the AACN, but suddenly I am getting lots of other free ones too. They say, "Act soon. Your subscription is running out" or "This is the last one, we mean it" and yet they keep coming. Anywho, I digress.

The article was about a blog from an ER nurse in the SF Bay Area. Her blog (emergiblog) was getting so much attention she was winning awards and had to change the site to a different server to handle the traffic and interest. So, I checked it out. She had a post there, "I code dead people" that touched a real nerve with me . I have ranted the same thing with my co-workers and sometimes with my friends and poor husband. ( I fear some day he may tire of the hospital stories).

Then, I noticed that there was this long list of other nurses who also blog. I spent the next hour reading nurses blog and ran across a few that nearly fit my profile...the high tech reject that made a mid-career-life change and started nursing. Wow, the people you find in blog land. It almost has me singing, "It's a small world...."

Blogland can really suck up a lot of time from your day.

When did it happen!?!?!

I had a birthday recently and I have been wrapped up in memories. I find myself amazed at how time moves so fast. I don't feel as old as the years say. Sometimes I still feel like the 20-something who just finished college, single and just starting to make it in a career. Gosh, what happened to the years?!!?

I am falling asleep by 10pm. Waking up at 5:30am. I have a marriage, a mortgage, a daughter, 401(k) and constantly catch myself in conversations about retirement, potty training, public education and what happened on the Disney Channel today. The student loans are paid. Cars are paid off. I can't remember the last time I went to a happy hour or a night out dancing. I see wrinkles around the eyes and kinky grey hairs popping out of the top of my head.

I also realize that I have known some of my friends for 23 and 24 years now. That is a long time. Lots of people don't even stay married that long. Weren't those friends and I just dancing in the middle of the night to Erasure, Depeche Mode, OMD or New Order?!? We sit around and talk about how concert tickets are so expensive now and remember when you could see "Day on the Green" with the Pretenders and U2 for around $20?!? We talk about how all kinds of things are so expensive now. Some movies are now going straight to DVD and skipping VHS. No one goes to record stores anymore. We download from online stores. Thus, the closing of Tower Records.

My husband and I realized for the first time that we had seen all three of the animated films nominated for Oscar this year, but none of the movies up for Best Picture. He did although see "The Departed" while I was at the Doodlebops concert.



Then we look around and realize we sound like our parents! When did that happen?


Wow....what happened. And why am I so tired all the time??!

A matter of perspective

I had a couple of weekdays off and the plan was to finally take the Ford minivan in for an oil change and fix a quirky electrical problem. The place I take the cars to is a little over a mile from our house, so I usually drop the car off and walk home and walk back to get it.

On this day, I called my husband to see where he was in the drive home. I asked him if he could pick up the daughter at daycare. It was getting late and the car still wasn't done. He agreed and said no problem.

The phone rings at 4:25pm. It is the husband. He is stranded at daycare. The car's serpentine belt was shredded. He said he was going to get it towed to our mechanic and by the way, his cell phone battery is low.

Great! I am pissed. Another car bill. Who knows what this will cost. I call the mechanic to ask when the minivan will be ready for pick up. They say it has been done. (Gee, thanks for the call fellas!!) I tell them our Chevy Lumina is coming in next. I call the husband and tell him I will start walking over to the mechanic's and meet him there.

I am stewing. My mind is racing around lots of angry frustrated thoughts. Can the daughter ride in a tow truck with the car seat? How much will the minivan repairs be? The Lumina's? How long will it take to fix? I hate owning these lame American used cars. We should really look into buying a new car, etc, etc. My mind is doing this all the way to the shop.

The van is ready. $200 in repairs. Now, I sit and wait as the car seat will work in the tow truck. I then start doing some math. Overall, it is cheaper to own and repair an used car versus buying a brand new one. We have no payments now. We may spend $1000 or so for all three used cars in maintenance a year, although it is higher some years than others. One year I think we approached $5000. Still, cheaper. Did I mention my mind was racing.

Then, the tow truck arrives. I see the daughter sitting up in the cab with a huge grin and waving with excitement. When the truck stops, she runs out and over to me screaming all the way, "Mommy! I rode in a yellow tow-mater!!!" (A reference to the move "Cars")

This was an exciting adventure to her. One she will go on to talk about for days. I see that reaction and can't do anything but smile. It'll be ok. They are just cars. It is just money. At least we have both. And how often do you get to ride in a yellow tow-mater. Yep, it is all a matter of perspective.