I am beginning to understand

When I tell people I work as an ICU nurse, many think I am crazy or amazed at how I am able to work in that kind of environment. I didn't fully understand their responses until this past week. I would say, "Yeah, it is a bit stressful, but it isn't that bad. I like it so far." That was the old "ignorance is bliss me" talking.

Simply said, most people in the ICU are VERY sick. Sick, like teetering on the brink of death or already with one foot over the edge. As Dr Dorian on "scrubs" said, "So many people die in the ICU you begin to think Death is your co-worker." These last few months as I was being trained to work the unit, that concept really wasn't sinking in. I never participated in a "code blue" drill. I had seen some people die, but I knew they had fought the long hard battle and were done and it was probably their time. It was a peaceful death for someone, a welcomed release from the mortal coils. For the most part though, I saw people live and the work I did seemed beneficial.

However, I saw first hand this past week that anyone can go at any given moment. Someone you would least expect. I had two patients. One, talking to me all day. His family talking to me. Everything stable. The other patient, she was dying from lung cancer and the family decided to withdraw all support and just keep her comfortable until she died. She was taken off a ventillator and wasn't expected to last 30 minutes. Almost 9 hours later she was still alive, not responsive, resting calmly, but still breathing. However, my other patient was dead. It happened in an instant. He was talking to me one moment and the next, I had to call a "code blue". We did chest compressions, gave medications, shocked him, tried to get him to breath, to respond, anything. 45 minutes later, the doctors called a time a death.

I heard the wife scream in agony in the waiting room after the doctor told them. After I restored some sense of calmness to the patient's room and cleared away the signs of the chaos, I ushered the crying family members into the room to see him. I offered hugs, tissue and water and tried not to cry with them. I briefly explained what had happened, but all I could think was "I am so sorry."

All my co-workers give me this knowing look as they realize it was my first real "code" and they tell me it will be ok, but I said, "It is not ok." I think about the loss this will be for the family. It just saddened me and it didn't feel ok at all. I get to go home now and be with my family and this family now has to deal with funeral arrangements and decisions on whether there should be an autopsy.

But, a few days later I am feeling a little better. I talked to some friends and a mentor. The other concept I am beginning to fully understand is that we all die sometime. Immortality is unnatural. We just do the best we can with the time we have and try not to worry about when our time will end. My job is to do my best for the patient and realizing that sometimes, the best will no stop death from coming.

What is a meme?

So, as mentioned before, I am new to blogging and was reading a friend's blog that had an "ABC meme." It looked like a fun writing exercise and so here is my version of it. I hope I am not going against blogger etiquette for using someone's meme but based on the article I found on wikipedia I think we are supposed to copy and continue them on. I got it from Newt's Muse


The Letter A
Are you agnostic? I dunno maybe? Isn't that the definition of agnostic?Someone sitting on the fence about the existence of God or some higher being? I do not believe in the god described in man's religions. If something like God does exist, it has been completely corrupted by the writings of mankind.

What is your age? Too old to be trusted by people under 30, but not quite old enough for "Murder She Wrote"

What annoys you? People with bad cell phone habits and etiquette

The Letter B
Do you like bacon? In extreme moderation. I think I eat it less than 5 times a year

When is your birthday? February

Who is your best friend? Married him, but before him, she knows who she is :)

The Letter C
What is your favorite candy? I haven't met very many candies I don't like, but just about any chocolate candy works for me and Jelly Belly jelly beans.

Who is your crush? Dr Cox on "scrubs", the new James Bond and the new SuperMan., Kurt Russell, Brendan Fraser. Actually, I am thinking of the people on "my list."

When was the last time you cried? When I wrote my last blog

The Letter D
Do you daydream? Yes, rarely. Usually too busy.

What is your favorite kind of dog? I like just about all dogs, but for a dog I can bring home, I prefer a rescue pup or pound puppy. I'm a mutt and I prefer a mutt.

What day of the week is it? Sunday, but I started this a couple days ago.

The Letter E
How do you like your eggs? Scrambled with soyrizo.

Have you ever been in the emergency room? Yes, as an intern EMT and as a patient ages ago. I walk thru one every day on my way to work.

What’s the easiest thing to ever do? Say "yes"

The Letter F
Have you ever flown in a plane? Yes, along with millions of others. Nothing special there. Now, ask me I have jumped out of a plane. Yes!!

Do you use fly swatters? We have no flies. I am not sure they sell them here.

Have you ever used a foghorn? Nope, but I wish I had one on my VW

Letter G
Do you chew gum? Hell yeah! I'm chewing some now. My husband and daughter are now hooked. We prefer the sugar-free varieties., currently it is Altoids Cinnamon and the white flavor :)

Are you a giver or taker? I am a mom. I giveth and I taketh away.

The Letter H
How are you? Just peachy

What’s your height? Shorter than a 20 ' lime tree, but taller than a 5' dwarf lemon tree.

What color is your hair? Clairol Auburn, if I remember correctly

The Letter I
What is your favorite ice-cream? Haagan Daas Dulce de Leche and Birthday Cake Remix at Coldstone

Have you ever ice-skated? Yes. Last time was in the front yard of an in-laws in St Paul MN in February.

Do you play an instrument? Yes, I can play a tenor sax, clarinet, alto and soprano recorder and last year I took some beginning piano classes

The Letter J
What is your favorite jelly bean? Hmmm... all of them except the Harry Potter flavors and Jalapeno

Do you wear jewelry? Duh! I am girl.

Have you heard a really hilarious joke? Oh yeah, everytime the freakin' president has a press conference. However, that is a very painful joke most of the time.

The Letter K
Who do you want to kill? Uh, no one. Who would ever honestly answer this question? Like killing someone ever solved anything.

Do you want kids? Life answered that question for me. I have one.

Where did you have kindergarten? I didn't go. My school district was full, so I stayed home for kindergarten and just went to 1st grade when I was 6.

The Letter L
Are you laid-back? Depends on my mood and situation, but I do worry a lot, internally.

Do you lie? Occasionally, but typically I am too blunt, candid and honest to a painful point

Do you love anyone? Yep, a few people come to mind

The Letter M
What is your favorite movie? I have asked myself and husband this question and I have narrowed it down to 10 movies I would want with me on a desert island. Raiders of the Lost Ark is #1 on that list.

Do you still watch Disney movies? Yes, I have a 3 year old wanna-be princess in the house.

Do you like mangos? Yes..mango ice cream, fresh mango, mango salsa, dried mango.....

The Letter N
Do you have a nickname? Norm. It is from high school and no one has really come up with a more clever one since then. It was a reference to the TV show "Cheers."

What is your favorite number? 3 and my favorite age was 25.

Do you prefer night or day? Probably night. It is quieter. I love a starry warm night driving with the convertible top down.

The Letter O
What is your one wish? Good health for my friends and family and then world peace

Are you an only child? No, I have 1 and maybe 2 step-brothers (depends on the laws of marriages, etc). 3 Half-brothers (2 I have never met). 1 half-sister. Oh, and due to a recent' re-marry by my mom, I also have 2 other step-brothers and a step-sister.

Do you wish this year was over? No, it just started and too much to enjoy and look forward to

The Letter P
What is one fear that you are most paranoid about? Husband dying in a car crash driving home from work.

What personality trait would you look for in someone you wanted to date? Sense of humor and loads of patience and lucky me found both in my guy!!

The Letter Q
Are you quick to judge people? Yes, but I am quick to change my mind with more conclusive data comes in.

The Letter R
Do you think you are always right? Nope, but I do hate being wrong

Do you watch reality T.V.? Yes, my husband hooked me on "Survior", which is more like a game show. It definitely isn't "real".

What is a good reason to cry? To release pent up emoti0ns

The Letter S
Do you prefer sun or rain? I love the sun, but there is nothing like a wonderful winter rain in February or a foggy day anytime of the year.

Do you like snow? It is fabulous to visit, but wouldn't want to live in it.

The Letter T
What time is it? 5:58 PM

What time did you wake up? 7:30-ish a.m.

When was the last time you slept in a tent? Last summer

The Letter U
Are you wearing underwear? Always. 100% cotton is the only way to go.

The Letter V
What is the worst veggie? cauliflower

Where do you want to go on vacation? Spain

What was your last family vacation together? Disneyland last November

The Letter W
What is your worst habit? Over eating

Where do you live? Northern California

The Letter X
Have you ever had an X-ray? Yes, but I think X-ray vision would be cooler.

Have you ever seen the X-Games? Yeah, they were in San Francisco once when I saw them.

Do you own a xylophone? It is a toy one shaped like an aligator that can be dragged around by a toddler. I can play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on it.

The Letter Y
Do you like the color yellow? Not particularly, but I love safety yellow on a car . . . less likely to be missed. Due to fear above, I want my husband's next car to be safety yellow.

What year were you born in? In the Age of Aquarius

What do you yearn for most? Inner peace and smaller waistband.

The Letter Z
What is your Zodiac Sign? Aquarius

Do you believe in the Zodiac? Nope, but it is amusing to read horoscopes and talk about who you soulmate would be according to the stars. Can't be any less accurate than those lame psychology personality tests.

What is your favorite zoo animal? Gorillas. I think they are so sad and fascinating to watch in the zoo. Would a human be that calm stuck in a pen at the zoo? And their eyes....very deep, dark eyes.

Whew! That only took a couple days to finish.

My late night artist

The last couple of weeks our lovely little 3 year old has turned bedtime in a record setting event of how many times can she get up and bother her parents with silly requests and statements that she has to go potty. It is driving us mad. It has driven us to start reading the parenting books again, something we haven't done in a long while. So, we have been working with her and talking to and doing the stuff the books and internet sites have said to do. Last night she didn't go to bed until after 11pm, but what happened was awesome.

I was staying up late dealing with my latest addiction (the TV show, "Scrubs"). She had only been up once for the bathroom, which was a huge improvement. I heard her in her room rustling around, but she didn't come out and then around 11pm she came out with this amazing piece of artwork and said she had made it for me. Below is her masterpiece:

She has never created a piece like this before. She has colored coloring book pictures and done some crayon work, but this by far was the most amazing. And she came out of her room, all calm and sparkly-eyed and I think a smidge proud. I wasn't mad she was up. I was amazed by the creativity, explanations of what was in this picture.

She pointed out the red flower she put in there. It was in honor of the potted mini roses she had seen at the store earlier today and had wanted to bring home. She also said there are sheep and pink flowers in it. I thanked her and complimented her artwork. She beamed. She had one final visit to the bathroom and was off to sleep. I just love looking at it. I may need to frame it for our bedroom.

The negative to it, she used a scrap piece of paper from our recycle pile so there is some printing on it, but I guess that just makes the piece more environmentally friendly.

I am frustrated, so I write this blog

I was initially going to sit down and type about the day I had a work. I left the hospital today not knowing whether I should cry, scream, hit something or drink heavily. I will keep the summary of my day short by saying I was nearly 2 hours behind on every task until about 1 hour before my shift ended. It was also the last day of my orientation. The next time I work, I will be totally on my own. No more training wheels. So...what do you think? I think I need to cry, scream, hit something and drink heavily!

Then, I got home and had a nice family dinner with a glass of wine. I chatted online with my mom and a friend. I got happier and less angry and frustrated. However, I am still a tad frustrated. I have the cursing now under control.

So, I would like to instead list things that I am happy for and that make me happy and thus hopefully, therapeutically and release all that negative energy. Here it goes (in no particular order):

• My health and my family's health (see other rant regarding this)
• I married my best friend, the one who I could actually spend eternity with on a deserted island The singing voice on my 3 year old
• My dog's big brown doe eyes
• My house, shack that it is, it is a roof over our heads with a yard for the kid and dog
• My mom: she really did a lot for us kids and continues to do so
• A working car
• My job: most days the job does make me happy and is very rewarding
• My soft warm bed
• Flannel pajamas
• Lotion: my hands love it more after a long day of handwashing at work
• Beer and the people who make good beer
• Music: so many kinds of wonderful sounds for almost every mood
• Comedies and comedians: laughter is sooooooo awesome and necessary to sustain life
• Massages
• Shoe shopping
• Jewerly shopping
• Having enough money to buy the above items when out shopping
• Chocolate: how could I forget that special item that is so healthy for you too!
• Fall leaves
• The beach: no matter what the weather is, I need the sound of those waves and the feel of sand under my feet
• Naps
• My child saying "I am happy" or "I love you, Momma" or "I'm tired and am ready for bed" (still waiting for that last one)
• Driving a 1978 VW convertible on a nice summer night when the moon is full or the sky is full of starts. I just love the sound of the wind and the purr of the engine.
• Babysitting offers from the family
• Car shopping, but not buying.
• Coffee: some days just wouldn't be possible without
• Good friends and good conversations
• Silence
• Walking in the evening
• A good stretch
• Phone calls from someone you haven't heard from in a long time
• Disneyland
• Fog
• San Francisco's Fisherman's Wharf and Pier 39 on an early Saturday morning before all the tourists and traffic arrive
• Hugs

Wow. I do feel better and I am sure that list isn't complete. I may have to add more to it later.