Feeling antsy but going nowhere

These past few months I have these feelings that I need change. I am ready for something new. I feel like I am in a rut of a personal, social, creative and professional level . . . like my whole life. I am approaching my 40s, is it a mid-life crisis? Life is good in our little slice of suburbia. Everyone is healthy. We have solid jobs. Marriage is solid. But, I feel like I need some kind of change. It is the same old, tired, yet comfortable routine.

I keep thinking I need some new friends, but I haven't really had to make any in years. I don't even know how to go about it. I want to try new activities. I am sick of having free time and no one to spend it with. I am done with being fat. I feel like I am boring and socially repressed. What happened to the 20-something girl that would spin on the beach or stay up all hours? What happened to that sense of adventure that led to me parachute or ride off-road motorcycles? What about all those travel plans? How about just getting out and doing stuff all the time? Exploring our surroundings? Maybe I need a new tattoo?!

I look at the free-spirited, independent, socially exuberant daughter and realize I used to be like that too. Maybe that is the cause for the self-reflection? I see me in her and I realize I am not like that anymore. I am old, tired and stuck in a rut of comfortableness.

And despite all this, what do I do? Just the same routine. Walk the dog. Go to the gym. Clean the house. Yardwork. Shopping. Take the daughter to her activities. Watch tv. Read a couple books now and then. Read about the exciting lives of others. Do some craft or house projects. Yawn.

How do I pull myself out of this rut? Or, is it really a rut? Well, housework calls.

Elation at work lasts only seconds

The last few shifts at work they have had me out of direct patient care. I have either been the lunch break nurse, resource nurse (means we are overstaffed and I am just to help out) or in an auditing role. I've been there two years and they have me on a committee and doing the role of lunch break nurse. So, imagine my joy on Monday morning when I show up and I am assigned one of the sickest patients and they are a 1:1. That means I have only one patient and I am going to be hell-a-busy. I was so excited. I could hear "Walking on Sunshine" in my head. I skipped over to get report on my patient from the night shift nurse and the record playing in my head skipped and stopped. A new nurse, new hire to ICU was assigned to be with me. Yep, I with only 2 years of nursing experience was expected to orient this nurse to our unit.

Man, was I bummed. I was just wanted to take care of my patient and stayed focused in my work and now I was expected to do all this training as well. Ah, welcome to the rollercoaster of emotions that is my job.

And the morning got a little sadder around 10am. A patient I had cared for in ICU a few months ago had been transferred out to the medical surgical ward of the hospital. He died this morning. His son came by ICU to tell some of his dad's favorite nurses about his dad's death. I gave him a huge HUG. I really cared for his dad. I still carry a thank you card from him in my work bag. Once in awhile, I close my eyes and I can see his warm smile and hear his deep chuckle. Good-bye Mr V. I hope they have great BBQ in the place you have moved on to and that it reminds you of Philly in the summer time.

So as not to end this entry on a complete bummer note, enjoy the video below. Praise Jeebus for youtube.com!!

Feets of Fancy

Just an advertisement for my friend in Minnesota who is doing some fundraising for multiple sclerosis. Check it out. These gals sure do love their shoes.

http://feetsoffancy.blogspot.com/

That flower on the corner

Just over a year ago (June 7, 2007), I blogged about a random act of decorating. There is a street corner on the way to the daughter's daycare that someone is decorating with fake flowers. Well, this person is still at it and has changed the flowers yet again.

In other news, I can't sleep. I recorded "Cold Mountain" off the tv and watched that when I got home from work tonight, but the house is empty and too quiet. The family is having a sleepover. Something they often do on the weekends that I work. As for the movie, the book and movie ending were almost exactly the same. The movie changed a few elements, but stayed true to the overall story line. The problem with the movie is that the book was actually more rich in detail than any movie could ever really be. The movie was ok and Renee Zelweigger (how the heck do you spell that anyway) was brilliant. She brought the character of Ruby to life for me. She was spot on. I did not like Jude Law as Inman. He was too pretty for the role. I pictured someone a little more squinty eyed and rugged, none of which would be used to describe Jude Law, ever.

Well, maybe I'll read some work magazines. That should put me to sleep. It is getting late and I have to work tomorrow as well. This is the end of day 1 of my 3-day work week.

I finished "Cold Mountain"

From the first page of this novel, I thought, "Whoa. This is like fine literature and stuff." I re-read the first page a couple times. It wasn't a typical page turner, but each page was loaded with imagery and thought provoking observations. I felt like I was there at times and could feel the weather the author was describing. It also reminded me a bit of 'The Odyssey.' It is the story of people caught in the dark side of the American Civil War. It also included insights about farming, birding and life during that time frame. At times, I thought it would be cool to be working a self-sufficient farm where you traded for what you needed and didn't really use money, to be so intuned with nature and your surrounding environment, so tied to the land. I enjoyed the book a lot and I think it is one I will re-read, but throughout the book, there was this undercurrent that something bad was going to happen in the end of the book. And, it did kind of have a tragic ending. I now kind of want to see the movie. I know it had a few Oscar nominations, which makes me think they may have followed the book well. Oscar loves a saga with a tragic ending.

Anywho, some sad things have beening going on work. I almost cried a couple times and the book didn't help. So, I am taking a little break before starting my next book, 'The Mermaid Chair.' As for work, all day Tuesday I just kept saying, " This isn't happening to me. It is happening to them and my job is to do this . . ." This mantra was followed by a couple of deep breaths.

A trip to the gym is in order and some time enjoying the family . . . and maybe a beer . . . or two. Got to savor life while you got a healthy one.

Plum season

Yep, our prolific plum tree is bursting with plummy goodness. We had it trimmed last fall and some of the plums are huge this year. They are falling on the ground faster than we can pick them from the tree. I've taken some to work and they are very popular there. I had one co-worker offer to pay me to bring her more. I told her to come on by and get all the plums she wants for free before they go to waste. For your enjoyment, some plum-alicious pictures.

WHEEEEE!!!! A new swing

I am so proud of myself that I am bragging about what I did last week. I hung a tree swing for the daughter from our huge tree in the front yard. I climbed on the ladder. I tied the knots. And, I didn't fall of the ladder and the knots held. Now, I might be lucky (that could be about 90% the case) or just a awesome. I want to go with " cool mom" for now. The daughter is happier than a monkey in a banana tree and loves being out in the front yard on her new swing. She wants to show anyone who walks by her new swing. She makes all kind of silly noises to draw attention to her new swing. I wish I had done it sooner. Now, I am thinking of getting an old tire and chain and hanging it from another branch. It is an amazing tree in our front yard. I am so thankful to whoever planted that tree smack in the middle of the yard. I'll stop now before my true tree-hugger nature really comes out. However, it has to be one of the best ways I have ever spent $20.