Feeling antsy but going nowhere

These past few months I have these feelings that I need change. I am ready for something new. I feel like I am in a rut of a personal, social, creative and professional level . . . like my whole life. I am approaching my 40s, is it a mid-life crisis? Life is good in our little slice of suburbia. Everyone is healthy. We have solid jobs. Marriage is solid. But, I feel like I need some kind of change. It is the same old, tired, yet comfortable routine.

I keep thinking I need some new friends, but I haven't really had to make any in years. I don't even know how to go about it. I want to try new activities. I am sick of having free time and no one to spend it with. I am done with being fat. I feel like I am boring and socially repressed. What happened to the 20-something girl that would spin on the beach or stay up all hours? What happened to that sense of adventure that led to me parachute or ride off-road motorcycles? What about all those travel plans? How about just getting out and doing stuff all the time? Exploring our surroundings? Maybe I need a new tattoo?!

I look at the free-spirited, independent, socially exuberant daughter and realize I used to be like that too. Maybe that is the cause for the self-reflection? I see me in her and I realize I am not like that anymore. I am old, tired and stuck in a rut of comfortableness.

And despite all this, what do I do? Just the same routine. Walk the dog. Go to the gym. Clean the house. Yardwork. Shopping. Take the daughter to her activities. Watch tv. Read a couple books now and then. Read about the exciting lives of others. Do some craft or house projects. Yawn.

How do I pull myself out of this rut? Or, is it really a rut? Well, housework calls.

Elation at work lasts only seconds

The last few shifts at work they have had me out of direct patient care. I have either been the lunch break nurse, resource nurse (means we are overstaffed and I am just to help out) or in an auditing role. I've been there two years and they have me on a committee and doing the role of lunch break nurse. So, imagine my joy on Monday morning when I show up and I am assigned one of the sickest patients and they are a 1:1. That means I have only one patient and I am going to be hell-a-busy. I was so excited. I could hear "Walking on Sunshine" in my head. I skipped over to get report on my patient from the night shift nurse and the record playing in my head skipped and stopped. A new nurse, new hire to ICU was assigned to be with me. Yep, I with only 2 years of nursing experience was expected to orient this nurse to our unit.

Man, was I bummed. I was just wanted to take care of my patient and stayed focused in my work and now I was expected to do all this training as well. Ah, welcome to the rollercoaster of emotions that is my job.

And the morning got a little sadder around 10am. A patient I had cared for in ICU a few months ago had been transferred out to the medical surgical ward of the hospital. He died this morning. His son came by ICU to tell some of his dad's favorite nurses about his dad's death. I gave him a huge HUG. I really cared for his dad. I still carry a thank you card from him in my work bag. Once in awhile, I close my eyes and I can see his warm smile and hear his deep chuckle. Good-bye Mr V. I hope they have great BBQ in the place you have moved on to and that it reminds you of Philly in the summer time.

So as not to end this entry on a complete bummer note, enjoy the video below. Praise Jeebus for youtube.com!!